Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Van der Merwe Jokes

Van der Merwe Biltong Ltd. (UK)

Van der Merwe Jokes Page

Please feel free to leave some Van der Merwe jokes on our blog. The best will be cut and pasted and published on our website.

Happy Birthday, Boet!
"Hello, is this the SAP?" (South African Police)
"e-yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Fanie van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (marijuana) inside his firewood."
"e-yes ... Thank you for your co-opershun and informashun in combatting crime and violence, in our society ser."

The next day, the SAP descended on Fanie's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Fanie and leave.

"Hey, Fanie! Did the SAP come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Happy Birthday Boet!"

Committing suicide
Schalk burst into Van's room to find Van standing on a chair with a rope around his waist and the end of the rope around the ceiling beam.
"Hey Van, what do you think you're doing?" said Schalk.
"I'm committing suicide," replied Van.
"Well you're going about it all wrong," said Schalk. "You're supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not our waist."
"Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly choked|."

Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.

"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.

"It's for my wife."

"But why isn't she here?"

"She died."

"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They've all gone to the funeral."

Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.

Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.

Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.

He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."

Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."

Black & White lessons from the British

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, September 1990, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady had found herself sitting next to a black man.  She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a black man.  I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting sub-human.  Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied.  "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do.  I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full.  I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.  However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues:  "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain.  But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said, "So if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have your first class seat  is ready for you."

At which point, the surrounding passengers (mostly white British) stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane!!!

A few years ago Wessels Van Der Merwe (a really well-known Afrikaans character in South Africa) decided to invite an old friend from England to visit his home for a few weeks during the summer. Seeing as it was the first time the Englishman was visiting Africa, Van Der Merwe planned to impress him by showing him around the countryside during a small trek in the bush. Of course, Wessels being who he was, the trek was planned into unfamiliar territory full of jungle plantation requiring lots of equipment and logistics, none of which he had the remotest idea.

So, the Englishman and Van Der Merwe set off into the buntu in high spirits, knapsack on their back and jerrycan filled with water in the direction of the thickest part of the jungle Wessels knew about. Pretty soon the going got tough, and then even tougher, and finally they both got so tired they had to settle down to rest for a while, Wessels completely out of breath but not willing to show it.

While drinking their water and talking shop about the price of bananas in Ireland, they both failed to notice a tribe of cannibals that had quietly surrounded them and were promptly captured, tied up and dragged back to a cannibal village nearby. The village chief, heavily bored with his everyday rituals of decapitating wild pigs and small rodents for fun, was slightly more bemused with the bewildered duo and immediately clapped his hands as a signal to prepare the evening feast. Van Der Merwe and the Englishman were promptly and unceremoniously undressed, buttered and stuck in a big cauldron together with a multitude of vegetables and spices. The fire under the cauldron was lit and the villagers began their traditional dances around the fire to thank their gods for the coming gift.

Wessels, starting to feel the heat and therefore starting to fear he would miss the rest of the summer braai's in the coming weeks, turned to the Englishman first and reassured him that all this was a normal greeting procedure in South Africa. Then he turned to the village chief and started to recount how he had been sick as a child and that his flesh would taste, let alone the diseases that the Englishman might have brought with him from over the big lake...
After a period of reflection, the village chief decided to postpone the feast, on condition that Van Der Merwe and the Englishman return to the jungle accompanied by his men to find anything else that the chief hadn't tasted before.

Overjoyed, Van Der Merwe and his buddies set out into the thickett at a trot in the opposite direction to the Englishman. Not far out of the village, the trail opened out into a shadowy clearing, just big enough to hold some of the BIGGEST watermelons Van Der Merwe had EVER seen! They were at least twice the size of normal watermelons and were soft to the touch, indicating they were ripe and juicy to eat. Van Der Merwe picked up three of the biggest ones he could carry and started back to the village accompanied by his spear-carrying mates.

Upon entering the village and staggering to the village chief, Van Der Merwe gently laid down his trophies at the chief's feet and smiled a winner's smile... which quickly removed itself when he saw the chief's disgruntled face. Waving his hand in a pooh-pooh gesture the chief passively mentioned he had eaten those watermelons two days before.
Stunned, Van Der Merwe turned to the boiling pot, back to the chief, back to the pot...
Suddenly, the chief smiled and said that Wessels would be spared if... and only if... he could shove each and every watermelon up his ass without laughing. Van Der Merwe, stunned even more, gulped as he saw the size of the watermelons and started unconsciously rubbing his backside with uncomfortable firmness. But the alternative was clear.

Van Der Merwe picked up the first watermelon and heftily lobbed it from one hand to the other, testing its weight. He gulped again and pleadingly looked over to the chief. No response except a raised eyebrow.
Grunting and groaning, Van Der Merwe started to push the watermelon slowly but surely up his ass, keeping as straight a face as he could. The chief's face slowly began to change from a dark frown to a bemused grin as he watched the spectacle unfold before him, and some of the villagers surrounding them were already starting to laugh in unison.
After an hour, the first watermelon was snugly in place and Van Der Merwe slowly turned to reach for the next watermelon, the beads of perspiration appearing in droplets on his face. Not a smile or a smirk had been seen on Van Der Merwe's face and the spectacle continued. Firmly grasping the second watermelon, he bent over and positioned it before heaving a big breath...

By now the chief was laughing openly with the other villagers and couldn't keep a straight face every time he saw poor Van Der Merwe struggling with his trophies. Even if the white man were to complete the impossible task, the dinner that would follow would be the best he had ever tasted, dessert included in the main course! Watching Van Der Merwe roll about the village center in sheer agony, it was too much to hold back the hoots and bellows and by the time the second watermelon had found its mark, the chief had fallen off his throne with uncontrollable gut convulsions.

Van Der Merwe, his eyes swollen with tears and the rest just swollen, regarded the third watermelon with absolute horror and turned to the practically incapacitated chief for a last chance at getting off the hook.
Looking past the chief's shoulder, he suddenly stopped, gazed with amazement and suddenly threw a fit of laughter that shook his whole body! The mirthful shrieks of Van Der Merwe caught the chief by surprise, causing him to stare in disbelief at this white man who had performed a miracle, and asked Van Der Merwe why on Earth he had started to laugh just at the moment when he might have been released?

Van Der Merwe, drying the tears from his face and between body shakes pointing behind the chief, said:
"Look, there's that stupid Englishman returning from the jungle with a load of prickly pears in his hands!"

A prickly pear is the fruit of a cactus!

Reminds me of the time Van Der Merwe went to Durban for a holiday for
the first time in his life. As he was packing the vrou and the braai
into the Nissan bakkie, Van tonder, his ever caring neighbour said to
him 'Toe nou Van, jus pasop for those blerry Koelies. Man, they'll
rip you off blind and mos take the gold out of your teeth while you'se
talking to them nogal.

So ou Van says 'No, moenie worry nie man. I'm a man of the world and
nobody's gonna chaff me kak.

Anyway, ou Van and Tannie Van boek into the beach hotel and they only
have a lekker few days, before Van is taking a walk down Addington
Beach on the last day.

Now check, there's ou Bobbie Naidoo and he's mos gooieing the stick
into the sea for his dog (being that it's the Indian Ocean and all).
Now for all his being a man of the world who has been to Bloemfontein,
Windhoek (Okay so he took a wrong turn, but he blerry went all the
way) and Naboomspruit nogal, but Van's only bedonnerd when he sees
the dog run along the top of the waves and back with the stick.
So Van says to Naidoo, 'Ek se, my good Curry Muncher, how much for the

So ou Bobbie, quick as a flash says 'Hundred Rand Boss'.
No hesitation, struse Bob, ou Van gives him the hundred and takes the
dog home with him.

Anyway, it's sundowners back at home and ou Van Der Merwe and Van
Tonder is sitting on the stoep at Tweebuffelsmosdoodmeteenskootgeskietsfontein (A/K/A Die Plaas) and the dog is sitting on the floor next to Van and Van says to Van Tonder 'He
Boet, kyk vir die' and he sommer goois the dam with a stick so it
lands in the middle. And the dog just takes off over the top of the
water and brings the stick back the same way.

Man, ou Van tonder just looks at his dop and says 'You bought that
brak off a koelie, ne?'

And Van says, 'Ja. So?'

'I told you you'd get ripped off. It can't blerry swim'

So van der Merwe goes to the railway station, and at the ticket office asks: "A return ticket please."
Ticket man: "Where to please?"
Van: "Back here, of course, man!"

So Van is in a bar in London with a Frenchman and an Italian. They are boasting of their sexual prowess.
The Frenchman says "When I pleasure my mistress, I tickle her nipples with a feather, and she floats an inch above the bed in bliss".
The Italian, not to be outdone, says "When I make love to my girlfriend, I lick amaretto liqueur from her navel. She floats a foot above the bed in delight".
Van say "Yawell, er... When I screw my wife, I wipe my dick on the curtains afterwards. Let me tell you, she hits the fuckin' roof!"

So now van der Merwe is working at the zoo. He especially enjoys cleaning out the elephant's enclosure, since the zoo's sole elephant is an intelligent and obedient animal called "Nuts". All he has to do is say "come over here, Nuts", or "sit down, Nuts" and the elephant will do what it is told.
One day he comes into the managers office, dripping wet, flings down his broom and shouts "I've had all I can take! I quit!".
"What's wrong, Van?" Asks the manager.
"I can't take the guy selling peanuts any more. Every day when I'm in with the Elephant he's yelling "PeanutsPeanuts!"

Tourguide Koos Van der Merwe

Old Koos was a courier for a leading tour bus operator. Being a "verligte"  he took the opportunity of telling a multiracial group of tourists about to set off for the Garden Route that race was of no consequence to him.
"I am not worried about black or white," he said. "As far as I am concerned you could all be green!"
"Now, all aboard!! Dark green to the back, light green to the front!"

*  AG  This is one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung" it can be used to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in "Ag, I don't know." Or a sense of resignation "Ag, I'll have some more
mieliepap then." It can stand alone too as a signal of irritation or of pleasure.

* DONNER  A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" (thunder).Pronounced "dorner", it means "beat up." Your rugby team can get donnered in a game, or your boss can donner you if you do a lousy job.

* EINA  Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the Afrikaans means "ouch." Pronounced "aynah", you can shout it out in sympathy when someone burns his finger on a hot mealie at a braai.

* HEY  Often used at the end of a sentence to emphasise the importance of what has just been said, as in "Jislaaik boet, you're only going to get a lekker klap if you can't find your takkies now, hey ?" It can also stand alone as a question. Instead of saying,
"excuse me?"  or "pardon?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can say   "Hey?"    

* ISIT? This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute if someone tells you at the braai "The Russians will succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private owner-ship." It is quite appropriate to respond by saying, "Isit?" *

*JAWELNOFINE This is another conversation fallback word. Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" and "fine", it means roughly "how about  that?" If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn,  you can say with confidence   "Jawelnofine."

* JISLAAIK Pronounced "Yis-like", it is an expression of astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China, a suitable comment is   "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot of  people, hey?" *

*KLAP Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time at the movies at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your pa. In America, that is called  child abuse. In South Africa, it is called
promoting education.

* LEKKER An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, You can exclaim "Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable.

* TACKIES These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are big tyres, as in "Where did you get those lekker fat tackies on your Volksie, hey?"

* DOP This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad. First, the good. A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. If  you are invited over for a dop be careful. It could be one or two sedate drinks or a blast, depending on the company you have fallen in with. Now the bad. To dop is to fail. If you dopped Standard Two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this.

* SARMIE This is a sandwich. For generations, school children have traded sarmies during lunch breaks. If you are sending kids off to school in the morning, don't give them liver-polony sarmies. They are the toughest to trade.

* HOWZIT This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the land. It is often used with the word "no" as in this exchange   "No, howzit?". "No, fine.", "No, isit?".

* WHAT'S POTTING Local vernacular for " Whats happening " or " What's up" . This term  has no gardening connotation whatsoever.

* BIOSCOPE A local word now losing a little fashion meaning movie theatre, cinema, flicks or pictures, depending on which part of the world you come  from.

* JUST NOW Contrary to it's apparent meaning, ' just now ' can mean anytime from now right  through to the next millennium.Asked to do a job you  don't particularly like, you would reply "Ja, I'll do it just now"          

* NOW NOW In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase   "Now, now, don't cry - I'll take you to the bioscope tomorrow." But in South Africa, this phrase means a little sooner than soon. "I'll clean my  room now now Ma.", knowing that you
will receive a well deserved ' klap if  you don't do it at once. It is a little more urgent than "just now".

* BOET This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups. Pronounced "boot" as in "foot", it can be applied to non-brother. For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too.
Sometimes the diminutive "boetie " is used. Don't use the term with someone you hardly know - it would be thought patronising.

*PASOP From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch out!" This warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in   "Your ma hasn't had her morning coffee yet Boet so pasop and stay out of her way." Sometimes just the word, "pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.

* VROT Pronounced "frot". A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like. Most  commonly it describes fruit and vegetables whose shelf-lives have long expired, but a pair of tackies (sneakers) worn a few times too often can be termed "vrot" by  unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game-but not to his face because he won't appreciate it. We once saw a movie review with this headline
"Slick Flick, Vrot Plot."

* JA-NEE Afrikaans for "Yes/No" in English. This expression's origin is  believed to have originated when a family member starts talking politics what else do we talk about in South Africa?) and you don't want to cause a political  argument and get klapped or donnered, then every now and then you mutter, "Ja-Nee." (pronounced yah - near).

* GRAZE In a country with a strong agricultural tradition, it is not surprising that farming words crop up (pun intended) in general conversation.  Thus to graze means to eat. If you are invited to a bioscope show, you may be asked "Do you want to catch a graze
now now.

* CATCH A TAN This is what you do when you lie on the beach pretending to study  for your matric exams. The Brits, who have their own odd phrases, say they are getting "bronzed". Nature has always been unkind to  South African school children, providing beach and swimming pool weather  just  when they should be swotting for the mid-summer finals. If you spend  too much time "catching a tan" at exam time, you could end up catching  sharp "klap" from your pa.

* ROCK UP To rock up at some place is to just sort of arrive. You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that, but you have to be selective about it. You can't just rock up for an interview or at a five star
restaurant. You give them a bell first, then you can rock up.

* BELL South African vernacular for telephone call as in " Ja Boet, I'll  give you a bell just now " which means phoning anytime from now to  eternity.

* SCALE To scale something is to steal it, A person who is "scaly" is not nice, he's a scumbag and should be left off the Christmas party invitation list 

Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her:

"Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!"

The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. "Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is "Your highness".

Van says, " ..jis that is unbelievable, my brother's name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!"

There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he
told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied. He hurried home, took
a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,
haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days
before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell
to boere," the salesman replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know
I'm a boer?" "Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.

Van der Merwe went to Australia on vacation. One day he was sitting in one of the Outback
pubs in the North-West of WA drinking Emu Export. As he finished his third, Crocodile
Dundee came and sat next to him at the bar. Being a skeptical person by nature, Van stared at
this guy from head to toe, and at the toe his eyes got stuck. He looked up at Dundee and said:
"Hey, lekker boots my bra. What kind is these, huh??" Croc Dundee: "Hey mate, they're croc
boots" Van: "They don't look broken to me man!" Croc Dundee: "They're crocodile boots,
drongo!" Van: "Oh! Where can I get some?" Croc Dundee: "You just go down to the river and
get yourself a crocodile, mate, and then you got some boots!" Van thought this was a great
idea so he finished his beer and strolled down to the river. Without hesitation he walked into
the river about waist height and started hitting the water with the flat of his hand. Meanwhile,
back at the pub the guys were all standing at the verandah watching this spectacle. About 5
minutes passed when a crocodile floating nearby responded to Van's racket. As he
approached, Van turned around and leaped at the crocodile, literally attacking him. The others
on the porch couldn't believe what they were seeing. An hour had passed when Van finally
grabbed the crocodile in a typical "boere" death grip and dragged him out onto the riverbank.
Before letting go, Van gave the poor croc another couple of punches on the nose. The croc
was out like a candle. Van was soaked in blood, more of the croc's than his own, but nonethe-
less, he was still hurt badly. Van laid the croc down and with an enormous effort he
managed to roll the croc over. He stared down at the croc for what seemed to be ages, before
finally looking up at the very surprised crowd on the porch, and said: "Just my luck, a
crocodile without boots!"

In a small Afrikaner town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

The local NG church started a campaign with petitions and prayers to block the
bar from opening.

Work progressed, however, right up till the week before opening, when a lightning
strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner
sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the
demise of his building, through either direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's
demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it
appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.